⭕ room mate is needed asap. rent payments is to be shared equally,

storage of ice cubes in the freezer is not permitted.

red wine is to be served chilled not fucking warm. problem with it? do not email me ever.

looking for a chilled roommate who wont act like a big bitch when i tell him/her to kiss my pet snake before they leave for work in the mornings.

ok some ground rules.

1, that sierra mist in the fridge is prescription coca cola, and you may not have any.

2, if i ring that triangle in the kitchen it means you have to go to bed no matter what time it is.

3, you may have a friend over but they have a 150 word limit, and they have to stroke my pet snake, after that theyre not allowed to speak for the rest of their visit.

if you want to live with me you cant be taller than me, and if you wear socks you better not zap me with static electricity or youre gone gone.

got a bike? good, once a week you are gonna ride it in the street, and let me sit on the handle bars.

150 a month, no utilities included, if you do the dishes Ill put a poisonous frog in your bed.

roommate wanted for relaxed household of young working professionals.

420 friendly but dont you fucking dare say any other numbers in this house.

you cant own an even number of shoes.

no ghostly visitors for more than one hour.

see that shower curtain? never ever touch it. if its closed you come get me and i pull it back so you can shower while I watch.

once a week we drag our beds into the living room, and sleep out there.

you may not go to bed before me nor may you get out of bed before i do.

if you say good morning to me you must then explain whats so good about it or i will send you back to your room.

also you must put a pillow over your face when you sleep as i do not care to hear you breathing.

no more than 5 toes.

rent must be paid within 10 minutes of the peak of the equinox in a lump sum.

neither cash nor credit nor debit nor check accepted.

I get 4 of your shirts, my choice.

no pets bigger than your head.

you have to wear shoes one size smaller than your feet.

bring your own toilet and sink.

no salt or pepper.

you need to let me use your phone one hour a day.

no more than 3 pairs of pants.

do. not. ask. me. to. move. the. puppets. from. the. foyer. closet.

1) never take the trash bags off my windows.

2) do not kiss my guns.

3) kiss my guns every day.

1. Never refer to my face as my ass.

2. Never refer to my ass and face separately.

3. never dont refer to my ass, neither my face.

you must own 4 watches as i will be taking them and putting one on each of my dogs arms.

i will be taking your temperature every day for the first month you live here.

if you have a higher average temperature than me you have to pay for more of the a/c cost in the summer but less heating cost in the winter.

do not sit down in this house unless you want me to put on a dumb ass old timey outfit and shine up your shoes.

***potential male roommates: you must put one foot up on the toilet when you pee into it***

i told the neighbors your name is elmo so thats what you answer to if we are in the front or backyard.

throughout the course of the week you will round up a minimum of ten (20) fluorescent tubes so that i may get drunk and smash them in the garage on sunday nights. you will clean up the mess.

if you drink beer in the living room you have to drink an equal amount of piss.

it is up to me which room is the living room at any given time.

included in rent is a subscription to netflix. your name on it is Darth Retard and youre only allowed to watch star wars cartoons.

no matching socks is permitted.

I choose the rent.

you have to write me a letter every morning stating that you love being a unicorn.

you must bring a pet and give it to me legally.

snickers allowed on weekdays but milky ways are forbidden.

If I nail a rat to your door, its time to pay rent. Two rats, im having sex in there. A third rat, Im shoving a rat up yo ass.